my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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