Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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