you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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