I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
