i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
