I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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