I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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