yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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