U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
