do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
