Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
