mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
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The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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