spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
