I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Randomize
