I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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