Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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