good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
