I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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