hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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