There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
