I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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