tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
