Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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