So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
