Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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