you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
