I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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