Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
