I just saw a hot homeless man
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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