I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
God I need to hump something, right now.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
