We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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