I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
birth control should be required to get into college
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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