And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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