so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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