do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
