Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
