It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
