At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
