I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
