Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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