remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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