I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
