I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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