is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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