How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
