I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
