I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
