I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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