why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
