I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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