The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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