I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I am mentally ready for anal.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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