How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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