She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
