this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
