if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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