Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
