so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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