This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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