How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
