I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
