if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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