Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
